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Ask Lilly

Does life suck? Do you have a problem that needs solving, or do you just need a sympathetic ear? Well, Lilly won’t help you with any of that, but he does want to hear all about it and then offer his opinion anyway.

Send the wee Irish cluricaun your woes at askthecluricaun@gmail.com and he’ll give you the benefit of his other-worldly wisdom.

18th March 2014 - Movies and Voices


Dear Lilly,

My son Jordan and I love reading The Beasts of Upton Puddle together.  We make voices and have a lovely time.  So why does he grumble every time it's his turn to read?

Hello to da both of ya! Its funny ya should both be makin’ voices when ya read books. I do exactly the same thing when Kiyoshi is trying to read books too. I watch that stupid monkey tortoise thing trying to concentrate, and I says to myself, ‘we can’t have dat, can we now?’ So whats do I do? I make voices. Really, really loud voices. He once read the same page seventeen times before I’d finished with him.


Dear Lilly,


When will there be a movie of The Beasts of Upton Puddle?


I tink it would be a very good idea if you made it! I tells ya what - I’ll have a word with my pals and see if we can fly the new Copper Celt over your way, and if we sees ya, we’ll pick you up with your camera and you can film the island. We can drop water bombs on the dragons and have ourselves a whale of a time!



~O~


24th April 2013 - Sky, pets, people…


Dear Lilly, Why isn't the sky green?

Ah well, ya see, if the sky was green it would mean the ground would be blue, which means the world would be upside down and everyone would fall off. That’s why.


Dear Lilly, What kind of pet do you recommend most highly?


Well that depends on what sort of person you are and what you want one for. I have a pet snotchler. It looks exactly like a booger with spider legs and lives underneath crockery. So every time an old lady takes a sip of her tea and screams the house down I know where I left my snotchler.


Dear Lilly, Why do mediocre things happen to average people?


On average I’d say it’s probably for the same reason that average things happen to mediocre people – the mediocre people only like to deal with average people and average people only ever like to do anything with mediocre people, so average mediocre things happen.


~O~


12th April 2013 - Stop it, ya stinker!


Dear Lilly

 

Why do my dog’s farts smell sooo bad. And when she does them why does she look at her bum and then me in disgust thinking I did it??

 

Please help!!

 

Desperate dog owner


Hello Desperate dog owner!


I hope ya don’t mind but I sent some of the lads round (you wouldn’t have seen them, they hide in your fridge when you’re not looking – that’s where all your beer’s been disappearing to).


Anyway, I asked them to check out your dog and they told me there’s nothing wrong with her. In fact, she told me that you keep blaming your windy backside on her! The cheek of it! She only looks at her bum because she wants ya ta know that a smell like that would never come from her. So stop drinking Guinness- rosé mixers! That’s what ya problem is.


Sincerely

Lilly.


~O~


12th April 2013 - Eat this!


Dear Lilly,

 

I work with a guy who, while eating, makes an extremely loud slapping noise. It sounds like an octopus trying to pick up a 2p off a marble floor. I find it very disturbing, disgusting and annoying. So my question is, where should I bury his corpse?

 

Sincerely,

 

Mr N.


You think you’ve got problems, fella?

I live in a little cellar with fifteen other animals in it, which is bad enough at supper time, but there’s this one animal called a Bolequious Beljer. It eats twelve times a day like its famished, and every time it gulps it farts straight afterwards! It’s like it has to make room for its food straight after swallowing or something.


Anyway, it’s obvious you’ve been traumatised by this octopus bloke, so here’s what you should do. Don’t bury the corpse. Eat it! And smack ya lips really, really loud after each mouthful. That’ll teach him, right? But be careful not to eat him in front of anyone else, otherwise you’ll upset them too, and then they’ll have to eat you, and then look what you started! There’ll be nobody left except one really fat bloke who’s eaten everyone else. And that can’t be good can it now? (unless it got made into a movie – I’d watch that).



Sincerely

Lilly.


6th April 2013 - Fat Pooh!

Had a few more questions come in for Lilly… all anonymous (possibly they came from drunkards)

1. Did they name Winnie the Pooh cose he smelled like poo?

It’s true. Winnie does whiff. But the real question is: what’s the ‘h’ all about? Well, not many people know this, but Winston (that was his real name) used to wear a cap, and sometimes, Tigger would do his business, run out of loo roll and use Winston’s cap. Winston didn’t like that very much and used to whine every time it happened. So that’s where the name came from: Whiny Poo Hat. Abbreviated by A.A. Milne to Winnie the Pooh.


2. Do I need to have a fat face to order from the shop called fat face? If so, who decides if I have one or not???

No, you don’t need a fat face. It’s called Fat Face coz that’s how you get a discount. You stand outside the shop and shout, “Oi! Fat Face! How much is that coat?” and they’ll give you a ten quid discount. I swear it’s true. Next time you’re there, try it.


~O~


10th April 2013 - Horsing around?

Two more letters for Lilly. Here’s what he had to say…


Lilly,
Please help. A friend had invited me out to horse ride and I've let her believe I can horse ride. How do you horse ride or look like you can horse ride?

Thank you,
Verity Van-Vurfle


Verity, Verity, Verity… ah, Verity!


I remember the first time I rode a horse. Well, it wasn’t actually a horse, it was a unicorn. And I didn’t actually ride it. I fell on its back when it was galloping away from its stable, but the point is, I can’t tell you how to horse ride, you can either horse ride, or you can’t horse ride, and you won’t find out if you can horse ride until you jump on its back.


My advice to you, Verity, is to make a good first impression on the horse when your friend introduces you so that it doesn’t buck the minute you climb on. And listen, cos this is really important now - the horse needs to know who’s boss! Mrs Merrynether told me that if you blow up a horse’s nose, then it’ll like you. So, just to make absolutely sure, you should blow a good dose of smoke up its honker and then whisper very gently in its ear, ‘I know where you live, and ya family, so don’t try any funny stuff!’


Failing that (but it won’t fail), I would warn your friend that you suffer from a condition called EDFS (Equestrian Dominatis Frustratia Syndrome) and that riding certain breeds (describe the type you’re going to ride) can cause spontaneous screaming, swearing, convulsions and possible defecation. And tell your friend that’s the horse AND the rider. That should cover any shortcomings.


Sincerely

Lilly.



Lilly,
Please help. I have to make a dessert for my family this weekend and there are nut, egg, lactose and chocolate allergies. What do you suggest I make that looks impressive but little effort?

Ophelia Congwort


Well, I feel ya pain, Ophelia (see what I did there?)


But why should you do all the suffering? There’s an easy solution to this that helps everyone. Allergies are a simple fix. It’s called make or break. Here the recipe for you:


Lilly’s Clumpy Clotted Cluricaun Make or Break Cake

2kg walnuts, 6 ostrich eggs, 4 pints of chimpanzee milk (use baboons if no chimps are handy), 1 large Easter egg (with the gold foil still on), 5 tablespoons of plain flour.


Chuck the lot in a wok and stir over a high heat until it’s the consistency of cement. Roll it into a big ball and throw it in the oven at 200 degrees for 45 minutes. Not much effort there, eh?


Serve it up in thick slabs with a big dollop of clotted cream, and to make it look really good, serve it up with a big bucket of Guinness (which can also double up as sauce for the dish). Now force your family to eat and drink. If they survive, then they’ll be too drunk to remember what happened but they’ll definitely be cured of their allergies.


Let me know how ya gets on.

Lilly.


~O~


3rd April 2013 - Socks and DIY

Lilly is enjoying your questions! A nice variety have come in over Easter…


From the Steeles…

1. How loud is everything to you?

Not very. It’s all a bit too quiet for me. I’m the loudest thing in the world, you see, so everything else is quiet compared to my gob. And you should hear me when I’ve run out of sherry. I’ll scream the whole house down.

2. Why are you so short?

Who are you calling short? I’ll have you know I’m very tall among cluricauns. 13 inches, in fact. And that’s without me clogs on!

3. Why are you grumpy?

Mrs. Merrynether would tell you it’s because I drink too much, but don’t listen to her. It’s the opposite. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system, and that sort of thing is enough to make anyone grumpy.

4. Do you steal people's left socks. If so, why not the right ones?

I do steal people’s left socks. You’re absolutely right about that. I don’t steal the right socks because then I wouldn’t be stealing the wrong ones, now would I? If I wanted to steal the right socks it wouldn’t be very annoying when you tried to put the wrong socks on in the morning, and nobody wants to put all right socks on, do they? Otherwise you’d be walking around with two left feet all day, wouldn’tcha?


Regards,

Lilly


This one from the lady with the ear wax…

Dear Lilly,
Thanks for helping me understand my green ear wax - I was blissfully unaware how offensive it is for those around me!

As you were so helpful I wondered if you can help with another puzzling situation......I was really looking forward to the bank holiday weekend as I'd planned to do some DIY (mainly to remove traces of the green stuff, and to poly filla the holes in the wall)

I'm struggling to understand why my husband swears so much when doing  he's doing DIY. Is there something weird in the toolbox causing this behaviour???? It's the same each bank holiday! Please help so I can fix it for the next holiday weekend!!



Lilly replies:


First things first, young lady. I hope you haven’t got rid of all that brain rot yet. If not, bottle some of it up and sent it to me at:


Lilly the Cluricaun,

The Old Boot Inn,

Yabakside,

Herts.


I want to smear that brain rot in Heinrich’s sandwiches when he’s not looking.


Now! Your little DIY dilemma. That’s an easy one to answer: no, there’s nothing in his tool box causing him to swear. I’ll tell you what it is – it’s an absence of something important that’s making the poor boy swear. I’ll bet Kiyoshi’s cranial cap that there’s not one drop of liquor in that toolbox of his. So it’s your own fault! How do you expect a man to do man’s work without his beer! Make sure he’s got plenty of the old laughin’ liquid and he’ll have the place looking spic-and-span before the day’s done. It might look a little wonky, mind you, but it’ll be done.


Regards,

Lilly.


~O~


27th March 2013 - Theme parks and brain rot!


The requests for Lilly to impart his wisdom have started to roll in. Both anonymous…


From Anon 1:

I have free passes to a huge, expensive theme park I don't even like to go to. Why me?


Lilly replies:

Which theme park is it? If you don’t want to go, it must be a bad one. Is it The Wild World of World Wines and Wibbly Women theme park by any chance? My cousin Bungulous built that one. He hired gnomes to run it and they drunk every last drop of booze before the place even opened, and then when the trolls arrived, well… you can imagine the fighting. So if you have free passes for that one, send them to Heinrich at Merrynether mansion. He hates gnomes.

Kind regards, Lilly.


From Anon 2:

Is it normal to have green ear wax??


Lilly replies:


If you have brain rot, yes. If you don’t have brain rot (and you wouldn’t know, because you’ve got brain rot) then check for snotchlers. Nasty little buggers (I have one for a pet). They lay eggs in your brain case and when they hatch they not only leak egg juice out of your ears, they put stupid ideas in your head like writing to cluricauns for advice.



~O~


7th March 2013


Dear Lilly,

 

Last St. Patty’s Day I accidentally spilled warm ale all over my girlfriends clothes. She broke up with me over it and I’ve missed her ever since. I’ll see her this year at that same St. Patty’s Day party. Any advice on how I can win her back?

 

-          Heartbroken in Hoboken


Lilly replies:


Well young man, I’ve got this to say to you. First of all, any man that wastes the sweet stuff like that ought to be ashamed of himself. It’s no wonder she left ya! I mean, you’d be quick enough to give her a piece of your mind if she took the dregs from your glass and used them to make little heart-shaped ice cubes, wouldn’t you, eh?

But enough of that, I’m not mad at ya, just making sure you learn your lesson, boy. Cruel to be kind, as they say. But before I tells ya how to win the good lady back, let me ask you something. What exactly did she do with that ale on her frock? If she tried to suck it right out of the fabric, then that’s the girl you should marry. If she didn’t then why are ya wasting your time with her?

But here’s the thing. If she’s the girl for you, remember that they love these three things. Strong men, fancy shoes and talking. So before you go to the party do a few push-ups, wear a big pair of sparkly clogs and get some more ale in ya so she can’t get a word in edge ways.


Sincerely,

Lilly.